How I Got Here
I never explained how I came to be a broken shell of my former self. That was done purposefully for reasons of anonymity and partly out of sheer embarrassment that I am no longer able to ....... well no longer able.
I know logically there was nothing I could do and there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of since I had no choice in the matter. I still can't shake the fact that I should be doing more for my family and friends, the way it used to be.
The fact is my spine was crushed under the massive weight of a falling object at work. That object unexpectedly found itself on my shoulder. (Still intentionally vague) I tried to hold this massive object rather than be crushed, yet when I held my ground the weight simply compressed my spine. Think about stepping on a soda can. I had a surgery that inserted ten screws, two rods and two hooks that was going to stabilize my spine and reduce the pain but the pain is still unbearable at times. An unsuccessful surgery is hard to deal with since it cannot be undone.
All I want is to provide for my family and be the only person I know how to be. Almost eight years and that person is only a memory even to me. I am still looking for the man who enjoyed helping others and taking care of my family. I liked him and I liked his life. That's enough whining for one day.
Wait one more thing. Any time I think things like that (I don't say it out loud) I feel like a whiner. It's easy to say just do as much as you can and be satisfied that it's enough. Well by my standards it is not enough. I may know my limits but my standards are still pre-injury. Yet it is impossible to live up to my own standards. I'm fine. Thanks
I know logically there was nothing I could do and there is nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of since I had no choice in the matter. I still can't shake the fact that I should be doing more for my family and friends, the way it used to be.
The fact is my spine was crushed under the massive weight of a falling object at work. That object unexpectedly found itself on my shoulder. (Still intentionally vague) I tried to hold this massive object rather than be crushed, yet when I held my ground the weight simply compressed my spine. Think about stepping on a soda can. I had a surgery that inserted ten screws, two rods and two hooks that was going to stabilize my spine and reduce the pain but the pain is still unbearable at times. An unsuccessful surgery is hard to deal with since it cannot be undone.
All I want is to provide for my family and be the only person I know how to be. Almost eight years and that person is only a memory even to me. I am still looking for the man who enjoyed helping others and taking care of my family. I liked him and I liked his life. That's enough whining for one day.
Wait one more thing. Any time I think things like that (I don't say it out loud) I feel like a whiner. It's easy to say just do as much as you can and be satisfied that it's enough. Well by my standards it is not enough. I may know my limits but my standards are still pre-injury. Yet it is impossible to live up to my own standards. I'm fine. Thanks
When chronic pain sets in, your life shrinks to fit your pain. You're less active, don't exercise. "That perpetuates the pain cycle, because it makes the perception of pain worse," Chan explains. "Your health, work, and relationships all suffer. You can't sleep. You're depressed. When your sleep and mood are affected, it perpetuates the feeling of pain."
posted by R. @ 6:19 PM
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